I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
