just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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