He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
