i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
