god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
