ugly people sure do ruin things
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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