He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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