I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
