I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
