i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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