I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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