so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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