I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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