the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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