I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
