my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
