Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
