Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
