this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
