Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
