"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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