matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
