this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
