The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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