Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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