I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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