Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
