so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think my moral compass just broke
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
