Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
