Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
