The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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