I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
