Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
