I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
