This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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