that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
