im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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