WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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