I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize