So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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