how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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