I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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