My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
