I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize