i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
