woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
