The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
