i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
