if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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