Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
