I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
