Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
