So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
