hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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