I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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